puzzles and pirate ships

This is my first blog, and I’m not sure exactly what I’m doing here. At 35 years old I’ve lived a life existing solely in day to day routines of bills, unsatisfying sales jobs, and the relatively isolated existence of a remote employee. I’ve maintained this consistently because at this point in our lives, it’s expected we be with children and loves of our lives, continuing to pursue accolades of employment while our lawns grow in uniform fashion. Truth be told, I wanted this life so badly, but for other reasons than simply growing my 401k solely to retire. I wanted it simply because you did, and I’ve always thought you must know how to succeed better than me.  There is this sense of ownership everyone seems to have over their life, everyone except me. It seems in all of this time I haven’t been able to answer why I’m here, who I am,  or even simply what I want to do when I grow up.

This would explain the consistent calamity and predicaments of loneliness I’ve found myself in. A series of constant heartbreak replacing the heartbeat as we reshape the puzzle piece in hopes that some variant would fit as it should. As it turns out, I am the forever awkward puzzle piece in the box. Maybe you are too? Maybe we are a generation who wants it all, so we decide on nothing? Maybe we are pieces that want to fit every puzzle so badly, we stop looking for that perfect picture?

I’ve never wanted the standard 9 to 5 with a company card.  Your business casual attire and bullshit of local sports teams and monthly sales quotas, pushing us  day to day until all of the days are gone.I’ve always struggled working for someone else’s dream, because I never really had one of my own. I forced myself into this puzzle so long I felt had to belong while never once wanting any of these things, save one. I wanted love. The only consistent want in a lifetime in cyclical pattern always rounded back to the same need. Love. Of myself and of others. The two things I don’t believe I’ve ever truly had.

That is why this blog was created, to document the pursuit of love, whatever that actually is… As a broken and lost puzzle piece, with edges frayed and corners bent beyond repair, I’m ready to search for the puzzle my malformed piece fits into. Whether it be through music or writing, new cultures or places, I want to feel it. I want to experience your passions, learn why you love your life, and share your story. Hopefully these journeys will motivate some of you who stumble across this blog to do the same.